Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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