I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
