I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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