Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
