I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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