I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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