Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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