i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
