"it" just moved
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
