I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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