i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
