I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
