just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
