Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
