i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize