Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Do vagina's smell?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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