sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
