You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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