Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
