I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
