They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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