if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he thought i was a dude.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
