I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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