I am in a vortex of obligation.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
