I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
