omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
