Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
