dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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