i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
