mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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