So drunk its hurt
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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