i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
