Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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