At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
