I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
