I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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