now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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