Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
