Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
