Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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