I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
