So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
