Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize