I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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