Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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