Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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