discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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