I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
