Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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