Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
