Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Damn victory sex feels great
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
