Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
