Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
