i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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