dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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