Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
