my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
