what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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