omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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