He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
